There is something I learned on my own relationship journey that I truly wish I had known years earlier.
It is something I wish every woman, every man and especially our children understood before choosing a life partner.
And if you are already married or partnered, please hear this clearly. All hope is not lost. This truth applies just as powerfully to you.
I came to this realisation during a season of conscious reflection in my life. At the same time, my eldest child was 18 and just beginning to date. Watching them step into that world while I was doing my own inner work was both humbling and deeply eye opening.
What I discovered changed the way I see relationships forever.
Start with the list, but do not stop there
Yes, write the list.
Write down what you desire in a partner.
The qualities that matter to you.
The emotional safety you want to feel.
The integrity.
The communication.
The shared values.
Write it honestly. Not what sounds good on paper, but what truly feels important to you.
Then print it.
Place it somewhere you will see it often.
Revisit it regularly.
This part is helpful. But it is not the part most people miss.
The question that changes everything
Here is where empowered relationships really begin.
As you read each quality on your list, pause.
Take a gentle breath in and out.
Let yourself feel the energy of what you are asking for.
Then ask yourself, with kindness and curiosity, not judgement:
Am I living this?
Am I embodying this in my own life right now?
Not perfectly. Just honestly.
If you desire calm communication, how do you communicate when things feel hard?
If you desire emotional safety, how safe are you with your own emotions?
If you desire respect and consistency, are you offering that to yourself?
This is not about blame or self criticism. It is about awareness.
The mirror we do not talk about enough
One of the most confronting and freeing truths I have learned is this.
We tend to attract partners who match where we are emotionally and energetically at the time.
When we see relationships through this lens, something softens.
Past partners no longer need to be labelled as mistakes.
They were mirrors of who we were and what we were ready for then.
And as we grow, heal and raise our awareness, our relationships change too. Sometimes that means attracting a different kind of partner. Sometimes it means transforming the relationship we are already in.
Both are possible.
This takes courage, and it is worth it
This kind of reflection takes courage. It asks us to look inward instead of outward. To take responsibility without shame.
But it also brings a deep sense of empowerment.
Because when you realise that you are part of the equation, you also realise that you have influence. You are not waiting to be chosen. You are becoming.
This is how conscious relationships are built. Slowly. Gently. With awareness and intention.
A message for our children
If there is one thing I hope we share more openly with our children as they step into dating and relationships, it is this.
Choose from awareness, not urgency.
Learn who you are becoming, not just who you are attracted to.
And know that love grows healthier when you grow too.
We are always an energetic match to what we attract.
And that is not something to fear.
It is something to use with compassion, clarity and hope.
